Posts Tagged ‘love’

Why is Communication So Hard In Marriage?

Posted: June 23, 2025 in Life Lessons, marriage
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Why is communication so hard in marriage?
Want tips on how to improve YOUR SPOUSES communication? Go grab your spouse & CLICK IMAGE to watch the full episode together.

Communication stands as one of the most fundamental pillars of a successful marriage, yet it remains one of the greatest challenges couples face. Why is something so essential simultaneously so difficult? This paradox exists because true communication extends far beyond merely exchanging words…it’s about creating connection, understanding, and safety.

Many couples operate under the illusion that communication is happening simply because words are being exchanged. However, research shows that only 7% of what WE communicate comes from our actual words…the remaining 93% stems from our tone and body language. This highlights why so many marriages struggle with miscommunication; spouses may be talking but not truly communicating.

True communication requires active engagement, intention, and attention. It’s the difference between merely hearing words and truly listening to understand. In our digital age, where so much interaction happens through text messages and social media, the absence of tone and body language creates even greater opportunity for misinterpretation and disconnection. WE‘ve become accustomed to superficial exchanges that lack depth, leaving our intimate relationships starved for meaningful connection.

Creating a safe space forms the foundation for effective marital communication. A safe space isn’t just about physical safety, but emotional, mental, and spiritual safety as well. It’s an environment where both partners feel free to express fears, needs, and failures without judgment. They feel accepted rather than expected to be perfect, and covered with grace rather than criticism. The challenge is that many people don’t recognize what a safe space truly is, making it impossible to create one for their spouse.

Unhealed trauma significantly impacts our ability to communicate effectively in marriage. Trauma doesn’t just alter how WE feel…it rewires our brain to detect threats even in peaceful situations. This explains why some individuals create chaos even when surrounded by calm; they’ve become accustomed to turbulence. Even when a spouse genuinely offers safety, a traumatized heart might still perceive danger, creating a significant communication barrier that has nothing to do with the words being exchanged.

Our heart condition directly influences our communication style. Scripture reminds us that “a good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart… for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of” (Luke 6:45). Before blaming communication problems on your spouse, examine what’s in your own heart. Are you harboring resentment, unforgiveness, or pride? These internal issues will inevitably surface in your communication patterns.

Pride presents one of the greatest obstacles to effective communication. When being right becomes more important than being understood; when winning arguments takes precedence over resolving conflicts; partnership becomes impossible. Especially in Christian marriages, pride often masquerades as self-righteousness, turning what should be collaboration into competition.

Interestingly, many couples exhibit more patience and effort communicating with strangers than with their own spouses. Consider how attentively you would listen to someone speaking a different language…the focus, patience, and determination to understand. Yet with our spouses, WE often multitask, half-listen, or prepare our rebuttals instead of truly seeking to understand.

For those preparing for marriage, recognize that communication skills aren’t automatic, they require continuous development. Don’t assume love equals understanding, pay attention to how you handle conflict, ensure you share values and vision, practice vulnerability, seek healthy role models, and discuss how you’ll handle disagreements before they arise.

The journey toward better communication is ongoing, requiring daily commitment regardless of feelings. The good news is that with intentional effort, couples can develop deeper understanding, greater intimacy, and more effective conflict resolution skills that strengthen their marriage over a lifetime.

Want tips on how to improve YOUR SPOUSES communication? Click below, tag your spouse and watch the full episode together. Subscribe, Like & Share!

Marriage Myths Exposed!

Posted: April 4, 2025 in marriage
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In today’s culture, WE‘re bombarded with idealized versions of love and marriage through media, movies, and music. These romantic notions create expectations that often lead to disappointment when real relationships don’t match these fairytales. On the latest episode of WE3 The Winning Team Podcast, WE explored three prevalent myths about relationships that can actually hinder your journey to a healthy, lasting marriage.

The first myth WE tackled was “opposites attract.” This widely accepted belief suggests that people who are fundamentally different naturally gravitate toward each other, creating an exciting dynamic. While initial chemistry between different personalities can feel thrilling—like when an introvert meets an extrovert or a spontaneous person connects with someone structured—these differences often become sources of conflict over time. What matters more than surface-level differences are shared core values, goals, and communication styles. A relationship built on complementary strengths can work beautifully, but when foundational values differ dramatically, the relationship faces constant friction. Remember: compatibility isn’t about being identical, but about having the temperament and personality to navigate life together effectively.

The second myth WE explored was the concept of “soulmates”—the idea that there’s one perfect person divinely created just for you. This notion creates unrealistic expectations about relationships being effortless and magical. When relationships require work (as they all do), people questioning whether they truly found their “soulmate” might abandon potentially wonderful partnerships. From a biblical perspective, Scripture doesn’t teach the concept of predetermined soulmates, but rather emphasizes choosing a Godly spouse and building a strong marriage based on biblical principles of being like Jesus. The logical problem with soulmates is clear: if there’s only one perfect match for each person, what happens when someone marries the “wrong” person? Would everyone else in the chain of relationships be doomed to mismatches? Real love isn’t about finding a mythical perfect match—it’s about commitment, acceptance, and creating safety for each other to grow authentically.

Perhaps the most pervasive myth is “love at first sight.” This romantic notion suggests that true love can be recognized instantly, but this confuses intense attraction with genuine love. That first “spark” is actually just dopamine flooding your brain, creating intense emotions that feel significant. But biblical love—patient, kind, not easily angered—cannot exist without shared experiences and time. How can you know if someone is patient if you’ve never seen them tested? How can you know they’re kind if you haven’t witnessed their response to others in various situations? People who constantly chase this feeling become “dopamine hunters,” abandoning relationships when the initial intensity fades, rather than putting in the work needed for lasting connection.

The biblical perspective offers a healthier framework. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” There’s an important distinction between “finding” and “searching.” Searching implies striving or desperation, while finding suggests discovery while walking in your purpose. Just as Adam didn’t frantically search for Eve but was doing his purpose when God brought her to him, men should focus on seeking God first, developing character and purpose, and being in the right spiritual place. Similarly, women should position themselves by focusing on their relationship with God, developing godly character, and being in environments aligned with their values.

CLICK HERE to watch episode two, to gain more insights on each myth. Also, we included a list of thought provoking questions that you can answer for yourself or ask your partner to get to know more about how they feel about you and your relationship.

Eugene & LaTanya Gatewood | WE3 The Winning Team

Grow Together or Drift Apart (Part 1)

Posted: April 26, 2024 in Resources
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In the sphere of marriage, the journey from “I do” to “WE still do” is often one paved with trials, tribulations, and triumphs.

In part 1 of our latest podcast episodes, WE, candidly share our experiences and revelations from the “A Weekend to Remember” Marriage Retreat. WE discussed our reflections from the marriage retreat, but with a deeper exploration of the dynamics that sustain and enrich long-term relationships, specifically marriage.

WE emphasized the significance of investing time and effort into a marriage (with a few funny stories to support), an investment that is often underestimated but is as crucial as any other aspect of life requiring attention and care.

“Maintenance is better than repair!”

WE draw a compelling parallel between maintaining the health of a vehicle through regular servicing and the necessity of nurturing a marriage to prevent breakdowns. Just as a car needs its oil changed and tires rotated, a marriage requires regular emotional and communicative maintenance to remain robust and vibrant.

As the dialogue unfolds, WE delve into the delicate balance of oneness and isolation in marriage, particularly through the lens of a Christian perspective.

WE dissect the societal pressures that advocate for individualism and how these can insidiously create a chasm between partners, despite their best intentions. The discussion underscores the fine line between healthy individuality and detrimental separation within the marital context, highlighting the importance of shared experiences that fortify the connection between spouses.

Further into the episode, WE explore the intricate dance of transparent communication. WE introduce listeners to a five-level model of sharing within a relationship, ranging from superficial cliches to the profound transparency that is the hallmark of a deeply connected couple.

5 LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION:

  • Cliche: Sharing surface conversation and small talk
  • Fact: Merely sharing what happen throughout your day
  • Opinion: Expressing what you think about what’s happening in your day and in the relationship.
  • Emotion: Conveying how what’s happening in life and/or your relationship is making you feel.
  • Transparency: Being vulnerable to share who you are with a willingness to understand one another.

WE recount personal struggles with communication barriers, including Eugene’s journey from emotional stonewalling to openness and LaTanya’s challenges with self-regulation. Through introspection and humility, WE illustrate how overcoming these hurdles has led to a more authentic and fulfilling partnership. You Can Do It Too!

WE share stories to demonstrate how couples can work together to maintain unity and prevent drifting apart.

Marriage is Hard, But Its Work It!

Concluding the episode, WE remind listeners that while marriage is hard work, it is indeed worth every effort. WE share our excitement to delve deeper into God’s model for marriage and WE encourage you to engage in a dialogue about the joys and challenges of matrimony.

The commitment to grow together is a choice that offers endless rewards. WE urge you to continually invest in your relationship.

This episode truly expresses how our marriage is a testament to the fact that the flame of love can burn brightly, even after decades of togetherness, with the right blend of intentionality, understanding, and dedication.

Navigating the Dating Game: Insights, Challenges, and Christian Perspectives on Relationships

Posted: March 27, 2024 in marriage
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Episode 4 | The Dating Game…

In this episode of the WE3 The Winning Team Podcast, WE dive into the complex and ever-evolving world of dating and relationships, specifically from a Christian perspective. As a married couple for over two decades, WE share personal anecdotes, experiences, and the wisdom WE‘ve gathered along our journey.

One of the most significant changes WE explore is the influence of technology on the dating scene. The rise of dating apps has undeniably revolutionized how people connect and find potential partners. While these platforms have their advantages, like streamlining the process and allowing people to filter through potential matches based on preferences, they also come with a set of challenges. The issue of authenticity in the digital age is a recurring theme in our discussion, emphasizing how people often project an idealized version of themselves online, which may not always align with reality.

Another aspect of modern dating that we discuss is the idea of having a list of expectations for a potential partner. While having standards is crucial, it’s equally important to be open-minded and not too quick to dismiss someone who doesn’t tick every box on your list. Sometimes, focusing too much on the list can make you miss out on someone who could be a great fit for you in ways you hadn’t considered.

Dating as a Christian in today’s society also brings its unique set of challenges. The conflicting messages in culture and the pressure to prioritize external success over finding a partner can make the dating landscape even more complex for Christians. In our conversation, we emphasize the need to change the narrative, stressing that God did not create us to be alone.

A significant portion of our discussion also revolves around the importance of self-love and self-awareness in relationships. Before entering a relationship, it’s crucial to understand who you are, what you want, and what you can offer. It’s about acknowledging that your identity shouldn’t be defined by your partner, and the attraction should go beyond physical appearance.

Finally, WE wrap up the episode by discussing the responsibility of choosing the right partner. The purpose of dating should be to truly get to know someone, observing how they react in various situations rather than focusing solely on their qualities. 

To sum up, navigating the world of dating and relationships requires a combination of self-awareness, patience, and a clear understanding of your values and expectations. It’s a journey that can be complex and challenging, but with the right mindset and approach, it can lead to a fulfilling and rewarding relationship.

To add a pinch of humor, WE also share a quirky habit that still annoys us after two decades of married bliss. 

Tune in for this enriching conversation on dating and relationships; you might find a new perspective on finding ‘the one’.

Watch This Episode & Subscribe on our YouTube Channel

Helping Couples WIN as a TEAM!

Posted: March 11, 2024 in marriage
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WE3 The Winning Team Podcast, Eugene & LaTanya Gatewood.

WE3 | WhenEver, WhereEver, WhatEver…I Love You!

What does WE3 mean anyway? So many people ask! As Christians, WE understand that without God being at the center of our relationship, WE would not have lasted over 20 years. Jesus (1)…Her (2)…Me (3)! WE3!

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT

“I Love You!” is also an over used phrase in the world and has lost its meaning. WE wanted another way of saying it that means something to us. R&B/Soul singer Maxwell is one of our favorite artist. He has a song called, Whenever, Wherever, Whatever, that WE believe represented how we feel about one another.

Helping Couples Work Together To WIN At This Game Called Life

The wife and I love love and are passionate about marriage. With divorce rates remaining at 50% and us crossing two decades married, several couples inquire about our secret to our longevity. For us, it’s not a secret and WE will stand on the roof top to let everyone know.

Simply put…I LIKE HER & SHE LIKES ME!

We are friends who fell in love almost 30 years ago; who evolved as individuals and preserved through the challenges of life….TOGETHER!

WE love each other in spite of our differences and challenges. WE have cared enough to want to know who WE were beyond the honry-moon phase of our relationship. YEP…I said it, HORNY-MOON! :-). WE praise God for our growth and maturity.

WE will not go into details, you can listen to WE3 The Winning Team Podcast to learn more about our journey and how we made it through.

Episode 2 | The Power of Friendship

In the second episode of the WE3 The Winning Team Podcast, WE share reflections on their 21-year journey of partnership. WE candidly discusses their wins, missteps, and the lessons they’ve gleaned from their shared life. 

This episode is not just about recounting their experiences; it’s about initiating a dialogue about the right expectations and informed decisions that go into a lifelong commitment like marriage. WE delve into the concept of submission in marriage and discuss how their expectations have evolved over the years.

WE highlight the importance of having a common goal in a marriage. WE argue that while individual tasks within a marriage may differ, they work together to complement each other, contributing to a harmonious and successful partnership. WE emphasize the importance of figuring out how to form a team and create a common goal, thereby underlining the significance of partnership and cooperation in a marriage.

One crucial aspect WE touch upon is the importance of building a friendship before entering a marriage. WE believe that this foundation can be the bedrock of a successful union. It is this friendship that can help a couple stay focused on their common goals. Additionally, it is the recognition and expression of individual feelings that can bring a couple closer together.

In discussing the intricacies of a long-term matrimonial bond, WE also share their process of self-discovery. WE discuss how WE have evolved as individuals while staying committed to our common goal(s). WE share how WE have managed to navigate the complexities of maintaining individuality while working towards a shared objective.

This episode serves as a valuable guide for those who are married, considering marriage, or aspiring to marry someday. Whether you are single, engaged, or a veteran in the marriage game, the reflections WE shared can provide valuable insights for your journey.

Lastly, this conversation offers an eye-opening, fresh perspective on marriage. It invites listeners to reflect on their own relationships, encouraging them to understand and appreciate the dynamics of a long-term partnership. It emphasizes the importance of teamwork, understanding, and mutual respect in a marriage, offering invaluable lessons for a successful matrimonial journey.

Eugene & LaTanya Gatewood

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Public Love vs. Secret Hate

Posted: August 19, 2017 in Life Lessons, Parenting
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I have prayed, pondered, and almost wept over the last several weeks while trying to make sense out of all of this.  I have asked myself, which American do I prefer my son to live in?  If I had to choose between a society where he is aware of who dislikes him because of the color of his skin and they are open and honest about their prejudices OR would I prefer he lived in a country where people overtly express their love for him, but covertly act in a way that does not support that notion? My answer…Neither! But if I had to choose, I would much rather know who hates me and have the ability to respond accordingly than to not know and suffer the effects of their hatred and discrimination. I would rather know than to be frustrated by an invisible wall of resistance, not understanding why I am not able to get beyond where I am.

Honestly, the Neo-Nazi / Racist protesters in Charlottesville don’t scare me. I am more fearful of the Congressman who verbally detest what they did and stand for, but not willing to make policies that counter the systemic injustices that are taking place within our criminal justice system.

I am more afraid of the police officer who pulls me over because he does not think I can afford or deserve to live in my neighborhood and points a gun at me because of his preconceived notions of me.

I am more terrified of an Attorney General who believes Affirmative Action is an injustice to him because he fails to process or understand the need for the law, to begin with.

I am more panic-stricken by a social construct that is built to limit the economic opportunities of an entire community of people but can make it appear as if it is their fault for not working hard enough.

I am more frightened of people who did not know, realize, or acknowledge that racism still existed until seeing the torches and swastikas in Charlottesville.

I could go on, but there is a group of people who look far less threatening, but possess an extraordinary amount of influence and power to impact my son’s life in ways that will affect generations to come.

Elie Wiesel said, “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” To say you care for someone and detest actions that hurt or offend the ones you say you care about without the willingness to make sacrifices for them, will cause your genuineness to be called into question. Colin Kaepernick simply chose not to be indifferent. It is evident why he protested is true and still taking place today. It’s ok to question his motives until he explains why he took a knee in the first place.  To continue to have a problem with his non-violent, silent protest after he explains why, only exacerbates his reasons for kneeling, to begin with.

Kaepernick is a microcosm of what I fear. He represents a community of people doing a right thing for the right reason, however, because someone has POWER and INFLUENCE, they oppress them, remove the economic opportunity, and make it appear to be ALL their fault.

Suppose that was your kid with a conviction? Do you believe he should lose his livelihood and ability to take care of his family because he decided to have a voice?  Would you support your son or ask him to compromise?

In closing, Steve Bannon called the protestors of Charlottesville a “collection of clowns.” At first glance, it appears to be the “pot calling the kettle black.” However, after I mused over it a bit more, I believe it justified my argument above. Bannon is the type that I fear. He is someone with influence, in a position of power, who can oppress the opportunities of a set of people. He can call the Neo-Nazi’s in Charlottesville “clowns” because he views them as being beneath him and only masquerading with no “real” power or influence. If this type can cause us to focus on them (the clowns), then those with influence and power can continue to “Make America Great Again” without any opposition.

We must not allow tweets from 45 and social media post to distract us from what they are enacting or the indifference of those who were elected to follow through on what they say they stand for.  It is not enough to make public statements that denounce bigotry, then fail to pass legislation that eradicates the same; or worse, write laws that perpetuate the injustices.

Call your Congressman or Congresswomen, today, and tell them that they can no longer be indifferent.  Cause them to act on what they say they believe. Secret hate is far worse than public love.  Make the call today!

TheOriginalMentor.com

Love Is…? Is it Possible to Truly Love If You Do Not Know or Believe In God?

Posted: February 16, 2015 in Life Lessons, Resources
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This amazing video from Pastor Smokie Norful got me thinking about how difficult it is to describe LOVE?  Is it a feeling, an action, a state of being, or all of the above? If you met someone who did not know what LOVE is and you had the task of explaining it, how would you?  I believe it is difficult to describe, for most people, because they have never really experienced it (not referring to those in this video).

1 John 4:7-12 7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

Here is my questions…given the above scripture, Is it possible to, TRULY, love if you do not believe in or know God?

I have asked this question in the past and it has caused quite a stir.  I am not passing judgement.  I am not qualified, nor do I have a heaven or a hell to send anyone to.  I am simply asking a question.

The bible is very clear that God is “LOVE“.  The bible is my truth.  If God is love and you do not know or believe in Him, is what you express really LOVE?

Let’s say you have never met a specific person and you have never had a conversation with them.  However, someone tells you basic characteristics about them and even gives you a description of what they look like, act like, value, etc. At this point you could tell others about them, describe them, and possibly even act like them without knowing who they are. Those who do not know them might believe that you knew them, when you are really acting off of what you were told.  Only the people who actually know that person and who have a relationship with that person could determine if you really know them.

I believe LOVE is the same way.  If you have never actually experienced LOVE for yourself, someone could describe LOVE and tell you what it looks like, feels like, and why you should want it.  You could, then, tell others about LOVE, based on someone elses experience with LOVE without ever having experienced LOVE for yourself.

I believe God is the same way.  If you have never actually experienced God for yourself, someone could describe God and tell you what He looks like, feels like, and why you should want Him.  You could, then, tell others about God, based on someone elses experience with God, without ever having experienced God for yourself.

I believe that the world is full of people living vicariously through others experience of LOVE, who may not have actually had an encounter with the one who is LOVE.  Therefore, we have distorted God’s true essence of how to LOVE one another and created our own version of LOVE, that has conditions.  We are even made to believe that everyone can LOVE differently, when we were provided a model of what LOVE is supposed to look like.  Have we conformed.

What are your thoughts?

Love is…

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

If God is Love, then God is…

God is patient, God is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 God never fails.

Agree or Disagee?

Marriage Is What You Make It

Posted: February 7, 2015 in Life Lessons
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married, Eugene Gatewood, Original Mentor, LaTanya Gatewood, Victory Cathedral Young Adults, Couples, Love, Marriage,

Last night my wife and I were honored to be asked to be apart of a panel for the young adults, at Victory Cathedral Worship Center, who shared their thoughts about marriage.  We have been together for 20 years (in December 2015), married for 13 years (September 2015), and it has been a joy.  Joy…not perfect.  We have had our ups and downs, but we have worked very hard to make it this long.

The facilitator asked the panel several questions.  We could have talked forever, but we did not want to be selfish and monopolize the discussion. 🙂 After all, there was another panelist couple who have been married for 39 years!  We needed some of their wisdom too!

Below we have included the questions and our answers from last night (not verbatim, but generally).  We are turning 40 this year, so our memory doesn’t always go back that far.  Ha!  We both did not respond to every question, but we have added some comments to, hopefully, give a little more guidance.  Lastly, we even got the remaining Twitter questions and answered those as well.

We are not experts, just sharing what has worked for us.  We pray that it helps someone.

1. Based on your spouse personality, what nickname would you give them?

LaTanya: The Principal: He is always giving people “a talk”. No one wants the Principle to know, but always ends up in “his office” when they need to “get right.” 

Eugene: If I am the Principle, then she is “The Counselor” they go to her office first and she refers them over here to me.  We just thank God that He has blessed us to share what we can and that people trust the God in us to come.

  • Tip: Lighten up!  Pet names are fun.  They make a relationship personal to the two of you.

2. What role did faith play before you got married? 

LaTanya: I always knew the Lord, he was a heathen! (well…maybe she did not say it quite like that). LOL   I would invite him to church, but…?

Eugene: Last Night I did not respond, but I will give my perspective.  I have always believed in God but did not have a relationship with Him.  However, I was never averse to church and did not oppose her going.  I just did not go.  I went a few times in college, but it was not until after college that I began to go to the same church she attended.  I was baptized as a little boy, but this is when I say I was Saved “for real”.  I understood what it meant to be saved and my relationship began to grow

  • Tip:  Wait and see!  Do not force them to go to church.  They must want a relationship with God, which is different from simply attending church.  That is not something you can make people do.  God does not even force us to have a relationship with Him, so why would you think you could force it?  LaTanya and I were friends for more than a year before we got into a relationship, then together for 7 years before we got married.  She took the time to watch my personal growth and development but stayed true to her faith.  Her relationship with God encouraged me to want to have one as well.  She never forced the issue, simply encouraged it.  I had to want it for myself and not just do it because she wanted me too.

3. How did you know that they were the ONE?

Eugene: On one of our first dates we spent the entire day together.  We did breakfast, then a movie, lunch, then Go Cart Racing, Dinner, then Arcade.  It was a good day.  The next morning, I called and asked her what she was doing and if she wanted to hang out again.  That was “different” for me.  If I had just spent the entire day with you before, I typically did not want to talk to you for a couple days (stop judging me, I been Delivert!).

LaTanya: “Just Look at him!”  LOL (Just Kidding…she did not respond to this question, because her answer was the same).

  • Tip: Wait and see. Stopping telling them what you are looking for in a mate on the first couple dates.  Simply wait to see who they are.  When you tell them too soon, sometimes, they try to become a representation of what you want instead of being who they are.  You will typically know that someone is worth keeping around when they genuinely care about your well being and best interest, above their own.  It takes time to determine that.
  • Quick Story…The summer before my 3rd year of college, I had a tuition bill from the previous semester that I had to pay before I could register.  I worked and saved thousands, but was short a couple hundred dollars.  I asked everyone, but resolved I was going to have to sit out a semester and come back a semester late.  When she came to my house later that day she handed me the balance I needed to pay my bill.  I never asked her, but she cared enough to make sure I was going to stay in school.  #SheHadMeAtGoPayYoTuition (Jerry Maguire Reference)

4. How has marriage impacted your relationship with your family?  Did they have a role in picking?

LaTanya: My family LOVES him and always has.  There was a period of time where we broke up and my mother called me and said: “What did you do?” #WTW I think that if we would have broken up they would have disowned me.

Eugene: Our family dynamic is amazing.  My family and her family, my friends and her friends, all come together for the holidays.  It is great because we do not have to really choose where to go.  My mom and her mom talk independent of us.  It is really great.

  • Tips: Wait and See…Family dynamics matter, but should not be the determining factor.  You chose your spouse, not them.  However, you do need to consider the influence that your spouses family has on their decisions.  LaTanya and I are both only children from families where our moms raised us.  However, both of our mothers respect our marriage and have never imposed their views on our marriage or parenting styles.

5. How do you make time for each other to keep the passion in the relationship?

Eugene: Funny thing…when I worked in Corp America, I was home for dinner every night. Now, not so much.  We are intentional about setting aside time and doing things together as a family.  One summer we decided to only do NEW things.  We made a list and tried all new experiences for us and our son.  We also made a bucket list this summer, posted it on the refrigerator and checked things off as we do them.

  • Tip:  Marriage is what you make it.  Be Intentional!  You can succumb to the routine of the rat race, or you can step outside of the daily routine and try different things.  Trying new things exposes you to new people and sparks new conversation.  It does not cost money to make memories!  One summer, when money was tough, we challenged ourselves to find FREE things for the family.  Our summer was FULL!  So much so, that our son still asks to this day, “What are we doing fun this weekend!”

6. How do you handle money?

LaTanya: We have always talked about money. We just had two different views.  I was taught to save, he was taught to spend. But we have never allowed money to become a hindrance in our relationship.  Money has not always been good, but we talk about it.  We have a budget.  I HATE THE SPREADSHEET! But it works!  He provides me with a version that I can read without all of the formulas and color coding.

Eugene: My money is her money.  Her money is my money.  We are one.  A house divided against itself can not stand.  We have multiple accounts, but we have access to all accounts.  The various accounts are simply to help us budget.  All bills come out of one account, Gas and Groceries come from another, then spending from another.

  • Tip:  You are not roommates.  Roommates split bills not married couples.  Genesis 2:24 says that they shall become ONE flesh.  You cannot get married and still keep principles and practices of single people. Once LaTanya and I became engaged, we began to operate as ONE.  We shared one another’s credit reports, bank accounts, investment accounts, etc. We had nothing to hide.  If you go into the marriage avoiding the subject of money and not setting the proper expectations, you will continue to operate independently of one another, thus not being as effective as you could be as a unit.

7. How do you feel about living together before marriage?

LaTanya:  “We are not perfect. We meet in college and I will just leave it at that. Even after college, he had his own place.  I spent the night at his place.  He said it was ok for me to leave items there, but I did not want him to get too comfortable, “playing house.”  I always felt so convicted when I stayed because I knew it was not right.  I did not want him to think that I did not like him, but my spirit was so unsettled.  Recently, he even apologized for having me compromise my faith.

Eugene: The Bible says, “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” It also says, “shun the appearance of evil.”  I know this now but was not mature in my faith back then.  I now realize the pressure I put on her and I regret it.  We did not live together before we got married, but we still were not perfect.

  • Tip: I have witnessed the effects of sex before marriage and living together before marriage.  I believe that the break down of the family structure begins when people make the wrong decision about who they are with.  Then, before they realize it or correct decision, they begin to do things that the Bible reserves for married people; which further complicates matters.  Having a child with someone who you were not supposed to be with and can not even get along with, causes the cycle of dysfunction to repeat itself (Wrote a blog about it…wanna read it, here it goes) CLICK HERE “You Picked Em!”

Additional Twitter Questions

1. For saved and single, what is some advice you have on entertaining the right person?

  • Avoid the Representative | The “representative” is the person who people become, to get you to like them.  To prevent a person from bringing their “representative” on every date, delay telling them what you like in a mate.  Instead, ask them who they are?  If you tell them what you like, up front, then ask them who they are, it is easier for them to adjust based on what you said; thus the representative is born.
  • Be Yourself | On the other hand, it is so much easier to be who God created you to be.  It is easy to answer questions, it is easy to meet family and friends because there is no pressure.  You are not “trying” to make people like you.  Either they will or they won’t.  Worst case, if you all figure out that you are not compatible after the first date, it saves you time, money, and heartache.

2. Is it wise for people in relationships to hang out with single friends?

  • Well… Generally speaking, the answer is no.  Single people and married people have different motives and hang out spots.  It does not mean that a married person would succumb to the temptations presented while with single friends, but the probability increases each time the married person is exposed to “temptations.”
  • …It Depends | Depends on what?  The type of friends that you have.  If you have friends that respect the sanctity of marriage and your best interest, they are more likely to change what they do and say around you.  They are more likely to ensure that you are not being placed in or around the things that enticed you in the past.  But there is always that ONE friend…LOL  JK!  Prayerfully you have friends who are all traveling on the same path, but some reach their destination sooner than others.  If they are your true friend, they would not try to run you off the road, simply because you got in the car with someone else.

3. What is the best part about being married?

  • Companionship | Life is hard.  It is great to have someone on your side who will be there with you no matter what! A Companion is defined as “one of a pair of things that intended to complement or match each other (A.K.A. Friendship).  When you take the time to match up with the right person, you have two healthy, whole individuals coming together who fills the void for one another.  Not complete one another, but where I am weak, she is strong and visa versa.  His or Her strength does not compromise who you are or what you mean to the relationship.  When rough times come, you have a person you can lock arms with and know that for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or in health…WE got this.

Throughout this blog, we have stressed “wait and see” so much, because if you link up with a person who only wants you because of your Better, Richer, and Healthy; where will they be when the other happens? Allow them to stay around long enough to see both sides.  In those low moments, If they care more about you than themselves and are willing to compromise to fill that void, you have the right one.

(You Are) “Worth The Wait”

Posted: February 3, 2015 in Resources
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6DibVL5TQs&feature=youtu.be

Valentine’s Day is approaching…so I wanted to remind you that (You Are) Worth The Wait.  Do not give in to the societal pressures that tell you that you need someone to love or love you because of a date on the calendar.

(You Are) Worth The Wait.  

Most may feel that I am talking to women, but men…boys…fellas, you are worth so much more than you can even image, because ONE late night decision can not only impact your destiny, but the potential of many generations to come.

(You Are) Worth The Wait.  

Worth is a price tag, typically, given based on who designed the thing.  The value is increased based on the notoriety, acclaim, or how accomplished the creator was.  If Michelangelo were alive to sculpt just one more masterpiece, I am sure every appraiser would deem it priceless. If he can create something priceless, how much more value do you have, because the one who made him sculpted you and breathe life into your very being; making Him the ultimate creator.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

(You Are) Worth The Wait.  

The Picture Perfect F.A.M.I.L.Y.

Posted: July 7, 2014 in Resources
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fresh-prince-00-jpgbrady bunchleave-it-to-beaver-family

CS-cosby-castLittle House on the Prairie

The Picture Perfect F.A.M.I.L.Y.

Many of us grew up watching one of the above T.V. shows and imagined what our families would look like.  In our minds we saw the Picture Perfect F.A.M.I.L.Y., but no one explained that it would take lots of hard work to build it.  It is unfortunate (and quite scary actually) that the image of family that is currently portrayed looks quite different from when the above shows were airing on television.

Some would argue that times have changed and that my views are a bit old fashion.  They would argue that the values from the family in the black and white picture are no longer realistic.  I believe that it is not a reality only because we do not do what is required to build ourselves, thus not being the examples that are necessary to build what we saw on TV.

This weekend my family and I went to St. Pauls, North Carolina.  It is a small town outside of Fayetteville, NC.  The area was so remote that cell phone towers could not provide signal.  I observed 3-4 generations talking, laughing, loving, playing, and braking bread with one another. I listened to stories of family traditions being passed down and lessons being taught by simply spending time together.

This experience made me reflect on what is needed to build a healthy and whole F.A.M.I.L.Y. with traditions that last beyond 4-5 generations.  The love, values, and positive energy that permeated the weekend was refreshing, peaceful, and yet stimulating to my heart and imagination.

What would it take for more families to live in the unity that I experienced this 4th of July weekend?  I have used F.A.M.I.L.Y. as an acronym to describe what I think it takes to build the “picture perfect” F.A.M.I.L.Y..  The dynamics of your family does not matter.  You can be married, single, parents, or empty nesters…building a family that will last generations transcends whatever we view a typical household to look like. 

FUNCTION

  • To have a picture perfect family you must start with setting clear expectations.  What do you value?  What are the rules of the house (nice to haves…clean room daily, etc.)?  What are the laws of the house (must haves…no lying, etc.)? Write them down. Everyone in the family / household has a role and should have duties assigned accordingly. If a person is a member of the household and does not know and understand their role, thus not performing their assigned duties, they become dysfunctional. Roles may be outside of the home (i.e. If you don’t WORK, you don’t eat). A family must ensure that all parts or members of the household are in good working condition and understand how each part / member work together to make up the whole. This must begin early!  When members of the household understand their function early on and how it impacts the whole, I believe, they are less likely deviate to far from their role.  This is not to say that they will never stray. Standard “maintenance” is always required to make sure that all parts are in good working condition. 
  • Action: This is a proactive step that must be taken.  Assess your household to ensure that every member is functional.  Post the laws and rules.  Assign numbers to them so that they are easily referenced. Ensure that every member understands their role and that they know how to perform the duties associated with their role.  Once expectations are set, each member must take ownership and proactively carry out the duties assigned to them.  When any new members are added to the household, initiate this step, so that expectations are clear.  All members of the household should be present.

AFFINITY

  • To have affinity, is to have a natural liking for someone.  It is very difficult to be on the same team with someone and not like them.  Your household is a team!  Affinity should magnetically draw you closer to one another.  Affinity comes through building a relationship. Good communication is vital. Actively listen and follow through on what you heard to prove that you heard them and understand. Getting an understanding of likes and dislikes and catering to one anothers needs is a great way to build an affinity for one another. Everyone may not be the same and that is ok, but having mutual respect for one anothers differences allows each person to be an individual.  When this happens, a friendship is created and you genuinely “like” each other.
  • Action: Make a list of your likes vs. dislikes.  It could be items that you currently do or things that you would like to do in the future (or stop doing).  Compare the list to see what you have in common.  Do those things regularly!  However, each of you must make it a habit of picking an item on each others list that you dislike and DO IT REGULARLY!  Have Fun Doing It!  Enjoy the fact that they are happy and that you are spending time with them. Stop focusing on you and focus on them.  They will appreciate you more and your affinity for one another will grow.

MATURE

  • “Anything that does not grow is either dead, dying, or artificial.” Pastor E.N. Jennings.  We should want all members of our household to not only be alive, but to be lively and well.  To be well is to thrive.  We must influence and challenge the people in our households to realize their dreams by discovering the gifts and passions that are locked inside of them. Imagine living in a household where everyone understands their purpose and is living it! The thought alone is EXCITING!!!  If we want our F.A.M.I.L.Y. to function at its highest capacity, we must be intentional about helping each member mature into who they were born to become.  Never mistake getting older as maturity.  There is a big difference.
  • Action: Observe!  What are they naturally good at?  What are they passionate about? What irritates you or members of your household to the point where they must go help fix it? Harness that  energy and perfect the gifts required for that area.  Exposure!  Try new things!  Read books together!  Grow together!

INTEGRITY

  • Accountability is required within the household.  You have to build an environment of trust and honesty where members feel comfortable to tell you anything. Parents…this means that you must consider your response to every situation that your kids share.  If you “go off” and not handle a situation well, it can potentially close the door for them to ever confide in you again.  I am not saying that there should not be consequences, but they should understand that it is better to come to you and talk it though than to hide it and potentially making it worse.  Same goes for husband / wives and even roommates.  Who we are when no one else is looking, if bad, has the potential to negatively impact everyone in the household.  Therefore, this gives them the right to know and hold you accountable for what you struggle with. 
  • Action: Discuss the importance of confidentiality in your household.  Explain the consequences of breaking trust within this inner circle.  Next, confide in one another.  Share what your struggles are.  This could be difficult, especially if what you share is new to them. I encourage none of you to focus on the fact that this may be your first time hearing about it. They trusted you enough to share.  Now devise a plan for holding one another accountable. Perhaps, each of you can share on a piece of paper and exchange them at the same time (I pray that your list is not too long).  🙂 When we share with others, we become vulnerable, this begins the healing process.  Perhaps professional assistance may be required to help you get through this, but whatever it takes.  Deal with it!

LOVE

  • Love is patient.  Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Love does not dishonor others. Love is not self-seeking. Love is not easily-angered.  Love keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil.  Love rejoices with the truth.  Love ALWAYS protects. Love ALWAYS trust. Love ALWAYS hopes. Love ALWAYS perseveres. Love Rules!  The love that you share for the people within your household should be unconditional.  When YOU follow what is listed above it significantly increases the likelihood of you building a healthy and whole family.  This does not mean that there will not be natural consequences for members who break the family covenant that is established (or being created).  Love causes individuals to heal and become whole.
  • Action: There is no question that you love the people within your household.  We may not always like them, but loving them is usually natural.  However, love is an action. Review and reflect on all of the elements of love that are listed above. Be honest with yourself about the areas that you struggle to adhere to on a regular basis.  Ask yourself, why is it so hard to follow?  Have a family meeting and discuss each element of love and agree to follow EVERY one of them.  This may take more than one meeting.  Be open and honest about why it will be difficult to follow.  Hold one another accountable for areas that they may not be able to for themselves.  

YOU 

  • By the way…there is no such thing as a “picture perfect” F.A..M.I.L.Y..  A F.A.M.I.L.Y. is made up of flawed individuals.  Therefore, the only way to improve a F.A.M.I.LY. is to improve the individuals that make up the F.A.M.I.L.Y..  Once you have healthy and whole individuals, within a household, you can then and only then, have a healthy and whole F.A.M.I.L.Y.
  • Action: “I’m starting with the man in the mirror.  I’m asking him to change his ways….If YOU want to make the world (or your household) a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change!”  Michael Jackson’s words are so powerful.  We often point the finger in every other diffection.  It is funny that pride can never see itself in the mirror.  It is most difficult to see the role that YOU play in the dysfunction of your family. It starts with YOU.  You have to want to improve your family and be willing to accept what you will discover while doing introspection as well as what others will bring to your attention.  Until you are willing to face your currently situation, you will never be able to fix it.  Hold yourself accountable to following what is outlined.  Make sure that you review the F.A.M.I.L.Y. covenant that is establish and devise a self improvement plan.  

Let’s Create a New Normal…SHARE THIS BLOG!

The current mainstream image of family is flawed and is not an accurate depiction of what many of us experience everyday.  Media simply possess the cameras and distribution power to influence us by bringing their version of “family” into our households and call it Reality TV.  THAT IS NOT MY REALITY!  

YOU have to power to make a RULE, better yet, a LAW against anything that will negatively influence the type of household that you have established.  

I know I am not the only one that enjoyed the peace, joy, and love from our family.  Let’s share what we experience so that others will know that this can become their NEW NORMAL.  It is possible to have a family affair without drama, fussing, and fighting.  

I may have missed some key components, or perhaps you would like to add to what I have written Either way, share this blog and post your comments.  Someone elses life and peace may depend on it. 

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