A couple days ago, I posted a really simple question on Facebook, “How can I pray for you?” Because of the number of responses, I have had the honor of speaking to and praying for many individuals and couples over the past couple days. In each instance when I have had the opportunity to speak with both parties a consistent theme has emerged.
The contention within their relationships has to do with what they expect from their mate, but the focus tends to be on what they are NOT getting, instead of what they expect.
When you focus all of your attention on the problem, the conversations (or arguments) are one track and you will typically spend all of the time and energy trying to prove that you are right or why they are wrong. However, when both of you ask a different question, “What would you like to happen?” now you become solution oriented and it shifts the conversation toward achieving a win / win situation.
Many of these couples are so close to relationship bliss, but they are all focused on what is not happening (the problem) instead of what they would like to happen (the solution). They both are “complaining” about the same things, but missing that they both also want the same thing but are simply disagreeing about HOW to get there. When focusing on what you would like to see in your relationship, you discover what makes the other person happy instead of becoming frustrated about all that you do that they never seem to appreciate.
Imagine this...You are really hungry, so you decide to go to your favorite take out restaurant. The customer service was incredible! They really went above and beyond. Actually, it was crowded, but because you are a regular, they made your order and pulled you to the side so that you did not have to wait…Royal Treatment! You hurry home, get comfortable and sit at the table to eat, but realize that they got your order all wrong. They gave you extra of the stuff you said minus and minus the items you really like! How would that make you feel? When you complained to the manager, they replied, but we gave you special treatment, isn’t that enough?
Relationships are very similar. When you do not take the time to understand a persons needs, wants, and desires, it does not matter that you are their favorite and that they treated you special. If you are not providing what they need and want they will not be fulfilled and will continue to be hungry for something more. Some may settle and just eat what they are given, but others will complain to the manager. If the “manager” (you) does not try to fix their order and only tells the customer what they should have done differently so that they did not make the mistake, eventually, the customer will start eating at another “restaurant”.
Below are four ways to become more focused on putting the pieces back together in your relationship, rather than focusing on why it is broken to begin with.
4 Ways to Put The Pieces Back Together
- Recognize Your Part | NO MATTER the circumstance, there is typically something that you could have done differently. Your actions may not have been the direct cause, however your lack of action or attitude could have planted the seed that caused a reaction. Without humility, it will be difficult to find a win / win solution because one will feel that the other owes them something more.
- Describe Desired Outcome | Do you even know what you want? If you do not know what you want, you will not be able to recognize it when you receive it. Setting proper expectations is vital to the success of any relationship, because it puts you on one accord. Write them down! Refer back to them. This prevents miscommunication later in the relationship.
- Share Past Success | If your mate is currently doing something that you would like them to continue, share it! “I like it when you…” is a great way to begin the sentence. Encouraging your mate reinforces what you like, which shifts your focus from what they are not doing. Change your habits, change your life. This will not happen overnight. Have patience.
- New Habits | Going forward, do not point out what they are NOT doing, only reinforce what you like. If you find that they are not meeting your needs or providing what you agreed to, bring the list that you wrote (step 2) and use it as a reminder. Set a time during the week when you can check in. Remember, do not talk about the negative, repeat step 3 and clarify how it makes you feel when you receive what is on your list.
Do not allow HOW you get to your desired outcome(s) to be the reason you never get there. There are many roads to the same destination. Some may take longer than the others, but just relax and enjoy the journey with the person you claim to love. If it takes longer, rejoice in the fact that you got to spend more time with them. Make the most of the time instead of complaining about the journey. If you arrive and do not like the person you are there with, you both will be ready to go home anyway. Then, it all was just a waste of time. #Figuratively #Litterally
Some may think that this post is cheesy! Perhaps, but if you are striving to be in a happy, long-lasting relationship (or marriage), it will take a little queso to spice up your life every now and then.
theoriginalmentor 