The Picture Perfect F.A.M.I.L.Y.
Many of us grew up watching one of the above T.V. shows and imagined what our families would look like. In our minds we saw the Picture Perfect F.A.M.I.L.Y., but no one explained that it would take lots of hard work to build it. It is unfortunate (and quite scary actually) that the image of family that is currently portrayed looks quite different from when the above shows were airing on television.
Some would argue that times have changed and that my views are a bit old fashion. They would argue that the values from the family in the black and white picture are no longer realistic. I believe that it is not a reality only because we do not do what is required to build ourselves, thus not being the examples that are necessary to build what we saw on TV.
This weekend my family and I went to St. Pauls, North Carolina. It is a small town outside of Fayetteville, NC. The area was so remote that cell phone towers could not provide signal. I observed 3-4 generations talking, laughing, loving, playing, and braking bread with one another. I listened to stories of family traditions being passed down and lessons being taught by simply spending time together.
This experience made me reflect on what is needed to build a healthy and whole F.A.M.I.L.Y. with traditions that last beyond 4-5 generations. The love, values, and positive energy that permeated the weekend was refreshing, peaceful, and yet stimulating to my heart and imagination.
What would it take for more families to live in the unity that I experienced this 4th of July weekend? I have used F.A.M.I.L.Y. as an acronym to describe what I think it takes to build the “picture perfect” F.A.M.I.L.Y.. The dynamics of your family does not matter. You can be married, single, parents, or empty nesters…building a family that will last generations transcends whatever we view a typical household to look like.
FUNCTION
- To have a picture perfect family you must start with setting clear expectations. What do you value? What are the rules of the house (nice to haves…clean room daily, etc.)? What are the laws of the house (must haves…no lying, etc.)? Write them down. Everyone in the family / household has a role and should have duties assigned accordingly. If a person is a member of the household and does not know and understand their role, thus not performing their assigned duties, they become dysfunctional. Roles may be outside of the home (i.e. If you don’t WORK, you don’t eat). A family must ensure that all parts or members of the household are in good working condition and understand how each part / member work together to make up the whole. This must begin early! When members of the household understand their function early on and how it impacts the whole, I believe, they are less likely deviate to far from their role. This is not to say that they will never stray. Standard “maintenance” is always required to make sure that all parts are in good working condition.
- Action: This is a proactive step that must be taken. Assess your household to ensure that every member is functional. Post the laws and rules. Assign numbers to them so that they are easily referenced. Ensure that every member understands their role and that they know how to perform the duties associated with their role. Once expectations are set, each member must take ownership and proactively carry out the duties assigned to them. When any new members are added to the household, initiate this step, so that expectations are clear. All members of the household should be present.
AFFINITY
- To have affinity, is to have a natural liking for someone. It is very difficult to be on the same team with someone and not like them. Your household is a team! Affinity should magnetically draw you closer to one another. Affinity comes through building a relationship. Good communication is vital. Actively listen and follow through on what you heard to prove that you heard them and understand. Getting an understanding of likes and dislikes and catering to one anothers needs is a great way to build an affinity for one another. Everyone may not be the same and that is ok, but having mutual respect for one anothers differences allows each person to be an individual. When this happens, a friendship is created and you genuinely “like” each other.
- Action: Make a list of your likes vs. dislikes. It could be items that you currently do or things that you would like to do in the future (or stop doing). Compare the list to see what you have in common. Do those things regularly! However, each of you must make it a habit of picking an item on each others list that you dislike and DO IT REGULARLY! Have Fun Doing It! Enjoy the fact that they are happy and that you are spending time with them. Stop focusing on you and focus on them. They will appreciate you more and your affinity for one another will grow.
MATURE
- “Anything that does not grow is either dead, dying, or artificial.” Pastor E.N. Jennings. We should want all members of our household to not only be alive, but to be lively and well. To be well is to thrive. We must influence and challenge the people in our households to realize their dreams by discovering the gifts and passions that are locked inside of them. Imagine living in a household where everyone understands their purpose and is living it! The thought alone is EXCITING!!! If we want our F.A.M.I.L.Y. to function at its highest capacity, we must be intentional about helping each member mature into who they were born to become. Never mistake getting older as maturity. There is a big difference.
- Action: Observe! What are they naturally good at? What are they passionate about? What irritates you or members of your household to the point where they must go help fix it? Harness that energy and perfect the gifts required for that area. Exposure! Try new things! Read books together! Grow together!
INTEGRITY
- Accountability is required within the household. You have to build an environment of trust and honesty where members feel comfortable to tell you anything. Parents…this means that you must consider your response to every situation that your kids share. If you “go off” and not handle a situation well, it can potentially close the door for them to ever confide in you again. I am not saying that there should not be consequences, but they should understand that it is better to come to you and talk it though than to hide it and potentially making it worse. Same goes for husband / wives and even roommates. Who we are when no one else is looking, if bad, has the potential to negatively impact everyone in the household. Therefore, this gives them the right to know and hold you accountable for what you struggle with.
- Action: Discuss the importance of confidentiality in your household. Explain the consequences of breaking trust within this inner circle. Next, confide in one another. Share what your struggles are. This could be difficult, especially if what you share is new to them. I encourage none of you to focus on the fact that this may be your first time hearing about it. They trusted you enough to share. Now devise a plan for holding one another accountable. Perhaps, each of you can share on a piece of paper and exchange them at the same time (I pray that your list is not too long). 🙂 When we share with others, we become vulnerable, this begins the healing process. Perhaps professional assistance may be required to help you get through this, but whatever it takes. Deal with it!
LOVE
- Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Love does not dishonor others. Love is not self-seeking. Love is not easily-angered. Love keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil. Love rejoices with the truth. Love ALWAYS protects. Love ALWAYS trust. Love ALWAYS hopes. Love ALWAYS perseveres. Love Rules! The love that you share for the people within your household should be unconditional. When YOU follow what is listed above it significantly increases the likelihood of you building a healthy and whole family. This does not mean that there will not be natural consequences for members who break the family covenant that is established (or being created). Love causes individuals to heal and become whole.
- Action: There is no question that you love the people within your household. We may not always like them, but loving them is usually natural. However, love is an action. Review and reflect on all of the elements of love that are listed above. Be honest with yourself about the areas that you struggle to adhere to on a regular basis. Ask yourself, why is it so hard to follow? Have a family meeting and discuss each element of love and agree to follow EVERY one of them. This may take more than one meeting. Be open and honest about why it will be difficult to follow. Hold one another accountable for areas that they may not be able to for themselves.
YOU
- By the way…there is no such thing as a “picture perfect” F.A..M.I.L.Y.. A F.A.M.I.L.Y. is made up of flawed individuals. Therefore, the only way to improve a F.A.M.I.LY. is to improve the individuals that make up the F.A.M.I.L.Y.. Once you have healthy and whole individuals, within a household, you can then and only then, have a healthy and whole F.A.M.I.L.Y.
- Action: “I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways….If YOU want to make the world (or your household) a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change!” Michael Jackson’s words are so powerful. We often point the finger in every other diffection. It is funny that pride can never see itself in the mirror. It is most difficult to see the role that YOU play in the dysfunction of your family. It starts with YOU. You have to want to improve your family and be willing to accept what you will discover while doing introspection as well as what others will bring to your attention. Until you are willing to face your currently situation, you will never be able to fix it. Hold yourself accountable to following what is outlined. Make sure that you review the F.A.M.I.L.Y. covenant that is establish and devise a self improvement plan.
Let’s Create a New Normal…SHARE THIS BLOG!
The current mainstream image of family is flawed and is not an accurate depiction of what many of us experience everyday. Media simply possess the cameras and distribution power to influence us by bringing their version of “family” into our households and call it Reality TV. THAT IS NOT MY REALITY!
YOU have to power to make a RULE, better yet, a LAW against anything that will negatively influence the type of household that you have established.
I know I am not the only one that enjoyed the peace, joy, and love from our family. Let’s share what we experience so that others will know that this can become their NEW NORMAL. It is possible to have a family affair without drama, fussing, and fighting.
I may have missed some key components, or perhaps you would like to add to what I have written Either way, share this blog and post your comments. Someone elses life and peace may depend on it.
theoriginalmentor 