The Day I Stopped Saying ‘Hurry Up”
Great Lesson for me today. I always hurry my little guy instead of appreciating the time we have. In a few years, I will be asking where did the time go, but if I would have just slowed down enough to appreciate more, I just might have reclaimed a few minutes. Thanks Rachel!
This is the fundamental reason why I started writing this blog. Do we (Society) really understand the difference between a role model and a mentor. Webster.com defines a role model as “a person whose behavior in a particular role is imitated by others”. A mentor is described as “a trusted counselor or guide.” We should not confuse the two. They are distinct and very different, but could be one in the same.
In my opinion, celebrities / athletes can be viewed as role models, but as parents we should not blur the lines to confuse them with being a mentor to our children. I kinda spoke of this in a couple blogs in the past, but in the wake of the A Rod-on-every-channel-saga, I felt compelled to vent again.
I have heard people and news reporters say, “what about the children” and rightfully so. However, my hope is that the parent(s) would stand up and be the “mentor” who will counsel and guide their children to understand that if all that is alleged is true, that he may not be a person whose behavior in a particular role we should imitate (role model).”
I am not naive. I do understand that not all children can differentiate between roles and characteristics of a person…and as they study their role, negative seeds from their character has the potential to seep out and invade their hearts, minds, and spirits of the youth. I get it!
Growing up, Michael Jordan was my role model. I watched and studied how he played basketball, but I knew nothing about him as a person. Because I did not know him or trust him, he could not be considered my mentor, who would guide and counsel me. I remember my mother talking to me about how he appeared to be “arrogant” and that is not something that she liked about him. “Thanks for sharing,” but I did not care about who he was off the court. I was interested in how he turned and dunked on Patrick Ewing along the baseline. I did run around singing “Like Mike…if I could be like Mike” (wanna be…wanna be like Miiiikkkkeee…Sorry, got lost for a sec). However, for me, it was with a basketball in hand.
This further proves my point. Corporations blur the lines by using celebrities in “real life” situations to help sell their products. Endorsement deals take celebrities and athletes out of their “role” and humanize them. With the addition of social media, we have 24 / 7 access to the people that we historically called role models. Now we know where they are, what they think, what they eat, who they hang out with, where they shop, where they took their kids, need I go on. But, we still do not “know” them. In the same way we would not read a book about a person and feel like we know them enough to marry them, we can not allow our children to “follow” people who we can not confirm if they have the same morals, values, beliefs, and judgements that we do. They may have made a decision that appears to be in alignment with what we believe, but we do not understand the context or why they came to that conclusion, which matters.
Sorry, I ramble. I am not saying that the Lance Armstrong’s, Tiger Woods, and A-Rods (to name a few) of the world are right, but I am saying we (parents and media) unfairly crucify and condemn them because we place unrealistic expectations on them to be the mentors of our youth. News flash, we are not perfect, either. If a camera followed us around 24 / 7 what would be exposed about who we are and what we did? Again, I think that “they” must be held accountable, just not cast out because of a mistake they made and for being in a position that we placed them in. I know, i know! To who much is given, much is required. Grace.
Bottom line…the original “mentors” are the parents. Our role is to guide and counsel our children. It is great if we can also be their role model. If not, we should find a suitable role model for them and not allow them to default to who the world highlights as a poster child in a particular role. Once we find a person, explain (counsel) why we selected that person(s), and constantly monitor so if they ever exhibit behaviors contrary, we will know it is time to find another role model (guide).
I am theoriginalmentor and so are you. Declare It. “I am The Original Mentor!”
Years ago, I was sitting on my back porch enjoying a summer day. I may have just finished cutting the backyard, which was a blessing and a curse. I loved the fact that it was large enough to run, jump, flip, and play with my son without going to a park. However, I had to cut every square inch of it, weekly. My backyard tapered into the 8th tee of a golf course (par 3 where you had to clear a pond and escape the 4 bunkers surrounding the green). The 8th hole cut across my view, then the fairway of the 9th hole (500 yard, par 5) was directly in front of me…as far as I could see.
It was a very picturesque view. We loved to sit, watch, and enjoy all of Gods splendor. This was one of those days. I recall the sky being clear, a slight breeze in the air, birds chirping, squirrels scurrying, geese swimming, nothing but what God had created.
As I sat taking it all in, I looked down to my left and noticed a couple ants busy at work. As I watched them carry items from one place to the other, they eventually started to walk out into the backyard toward the golf course. I wondered if they lived in my backyard. Did they consider this to be there home (I know I’m weird, just go with me for a sec). Again, as the ants started to disappear as they made their way toward the golf course, I wondered how long would it talk these little ole ants to get from here……all-the-way to the end of the 500 yard, par 5, 9th hole? What would he encounters as they traveled on their journey? Golfers swinging clubs, driving golf carts, spikes on shoes, rainy days, dark midnight skies…would he finish?
Then I wondered…perhaps this backyard is as far as he would ever go? It could be so large, in his eyes, that it could take him years to explore all of the possibilities right before him. He would never know that there are millions of other backyards and thousands of other golf courses that he will never even know existed. Then it hit me….
We look the same in Gods eyes. He sits high and looks low. He has given us the responsibility to manage everything in our “backyards.” As parents, I feel that it is our responsibility to take our children “beyond our backyard” to help them explore other possibilities. Our role is to guide them and help them navigate the swinging golf clubs (enemies), golf carts (fast pace), rainy days (frustration), dark nights (distractions) that we know the world will throw at them. Sometimes our natural inclination is to overprotect, which to some means to shelter them and prevent them from being exposed to all that the world has to offer (good and bad). The mistake in this overprotective approach is that they may develop a false sense of reality, believing that the world is just like the serene “backyard” where we spend the majority of our time. However, the day will come when we, as parents, are not there to help our children manage and navigate life.
Exposure helps them discover who they are to become, while allowing them to think through the options.
The discovery process can and should take place within the safety of our backyards, but we should not let our fears build an ant farm that prevents our children from even experiencing the wonders that are in your backyards and beyond.
Allow them to explore, and as they learn, expand their boundaries to what they can handle. Sure they will test the limits, you and I both did. It is apart of growing up. My prayer (our prayer) is that they will take what we taught and apply it when we are not around. The last thing that we want is for them to discover the golf cart (fast pace) and we never told them about the golf cart or that there is a thing called a seat belt (well not really on a golf cart).
My point…because we have been exposed, we can sit and pier out into the world (from our backyards) and prepare our sons and daughters for all that the world has in store. Teach them to take the proper precautions, but encourage them to explore and grow during the process.
Please, please ensure that you look “beyond your backyard” and not limited the potential of their tomorrow, because we never expose them to what is possible.
“You defend the system that trains you.” is a quote from Pastor Smokie Norful. What is a system? A system is a series of events or processes that work together to get a desired result. Systems can be, but are not always positive. For example, an abusers sets up a system to isolate the victim (process #1), lower their self-esteem (process #2), give them a false sense of what true love is (process #3), until they get that person to believe that this is not only the best way of life, but the ONLY way. In many cases, the victim will choose to stay in that situation even though it is harmful to them. The victim may even begin to defend the abuser, because they have begun to believe that “He/She loves me!”
Just like a person who is in an abusive relationship will defend the abuser and say that they “love” me, a child that has grown up in “dysfunction” will defend the system and lifestyle that they were raised by, because that is all they know. To change their lifestyle (system) is to turn their back on or to disrespect the way of life that had gotten them to where they are. Wait? Are you striving to go further, achieve more, “be better?” “So you think you better than me now?” It is not that they think that they “are” better, it is simply that they desire more. I grew up in this environment as well. I was the first in my family to go and graduate from college and some of my family actually fought my mother, because they thought that I thought I was “better”. Not True! This mentality has caused many kids with amazing potential to never realize it because their life is filled with “haters” who do not want to see them do more and thrive instead of just surviving.
When I first heard the term “hater” I was so happy, because I thought, “This is progress!” It is the realization that if someone does not want you to accomplish more, then THEY are the one who is wrong, not the one who is trying to achieve. It is inspiring to see that some people would like to rise above their current state, that has become normal, and thrive beyond the limitations of the enviornments that they are currently exposed to. It is the desire and determination of those individual(s) to obtain more, that has become the seeds of hope for other family members, friends, and generations to come. If they can do it, so can I…Haters!!!
It takes a person who has broken the barriers of lack to realize that dysfunction had become their normal. Once you discover a new system, it is important to share it with those who may still be lost or blind to the fact that they can have more…not just stuff, but more peace, love, joy. They can take the responsibility of spending much time with others who suffer from that same false reality of “this is all we will ever have or be” to carefully fertilize, till, and replant seeds that will produce life and create a new normal that can harvest into a life filed with love, joy, peace, happiness, abundance, and so much more.
So…I ask, what type of seeds are you planting in your children? Guilt, regret, shame, hate, envy, hurt? What system(s) did you grow up in that you are now recreating or “planting” in your children because that is all that you know? Just because it was done to you, does not make it right…even if it worked! Just because you had the resiliency to bounce back does not mean that your child(ren) will have that same bounce back power!? We have to really explore the reasons why we value what we value, why we think the way we think, and why we do we what we do, before passing it along to our children. The systems that we build to raise our children, may need to be adjusted to fit who they are and who they are supposed to become.
Sometimes parenting has nothing to do with the child, but everything to do with you! It is amazing to me that we get trained and prepare for a vocation, but will not do the same introspection when it comes to being prepared to fulfill our purpose as parents. When God entrusted us with a miracle (baby) we now hold purpose in our hands. Our role is to create the right environment and plant seeds of Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control so that they can reach their full potential. It requires us to get out of their way and to not plant weeds that are limiting or that push them in a direction that we think is right. Is it the right way? Maybe? Are you sure? If so, good.
Again I ask, what type of seeds are you planting? You can not plant what you don’t have. Maybe it is time that we rethink our systems to ensure that the processes (lifestyle) is working together to get the desired positive result. If you don’t plant seed in the right soil (environment), water it (nurture), give it the proper sun (oversight), the seed will never grow to its greatest potential.
My son is 8. His grandparents (and other family members) have asked if he can spend the SUMMER with them? “ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?” At least that is what I thought, well I kinda say it too. There is no way I can go an entire summer without my LiL Homie (that’s what I can call him). I guess we should think of it as a complement, that someone would want to spend an entire summer with our son…and they asked us.
I asked someone the other day, at what age does a parent switch from dreading their child being gone for so long to asking “wanna take em for the summer?”
Well, we gave in, a little, and allowed him to go with Grandparents for 2 and a half weeks. He is in North Carolina spending much needed time with aunts, uncles, and cousins. But, we are only half way through and it feels like an eternity.
What is it that causes us, as parents, to press the “panic button” when our children are away for long periods of time? Fear that something might happen? Yep…but I have gotten passed that phase (with much prayer). But let’s fast forward about 10 years, to a time when it’s a bit longer than a summer vacation with family. A friend of mine said something the other day that made my stomach drop. He said, “You realize you only have another 10 years with him? After that, he will be moving on to college. Value and cherish the time now.” As I reflected, what made my stomach drop was the feeling of “not being needed” by him any more. Huuuhhhhh!!! (you know the sound you make when someone punches you in the gut?)
As a parent our goal should be to work ourselves out of a job. Parents have instincts to nurture, teach, and develop, but we still want to hold on forever. The Discovery Channel displays how animals and other species help their young discover their “kill or be killed” instinct…fly or fall to your death reality. There comes a time when a momma eagle will push her baby out of the nest and they better flap their wings before they hit the ground (or else).
There will come a time when we will have to trust what we have placed inside of them. A time when they can make decisions for themselves.
As parents, we can not hold on so tight (at 8 years old) and expect them, at 18, to be ready to make decisions and live apart from us if we never provide them with the opportunity to practice their decision making (while they are still within our reach to guide them when they made a mistake
They will make mistakes, that’s apart of the growth process. For some, success starts to feel like failure when their child begins to stand on their own two feet, realizing their independence, not needing us for every decision. We may mask it or not realize it, but empty nest syndrome is very real! We have to trust what we put inside them or start today preparing them for a life apart from us. The reality is, we will not be by their side all the time, but we should want them to use what we taught as a reference as they stand at the crossroads of life…having the moral compass to know right from wrong, good from bad, success from negative consequence, their decision not ours.
My wife and I now see it more as passing the torch. We want our son to be exposed to more than who we are so that he can discover who God has made him to be. It’s a big world out there and we can not possibly teach him all that he needs to know. We are imparting God’s word in him, so he will seek Gods voice as a guide instead of ours who could possible steer him wrong. We want him to realize who we were depending on to guide him in the first place. If you want to know the purpose of a thing, you must ask the one who created it. He is the only one that “knows the plans that He has for us, to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).
When we take the focus off ourselves and focus on preparing them, our feeling of failure transforms into a feeling of joy as we realize that what we see them doing is flapping their wings right before they hit the ground. Now…we just have to let them fly.
My first job out of college was as an intake worker in foster care. Great experience, however, at the ripe age of 21, it shaped my perspective on parenthood. That experience is for another day (soon…I promise).
As an intake worker, I had to build the case files for case managers. In the process, I had to enter the social security numbers of the parents and their children. Back then, I was amazed at the fact that after entering the numbers, they seemed to be forever etched into my mind. The same was for my family and friends phone numbers…I just remembered them. Not long ago, someone asked me for my wife’s phone number and I could not tell them without looking into my phone. What happen???
I trace it all back to technology (Cell Phones, Computers, etc.). I did not have a need to “clutter” my mind with senseless information that I could easily access. At least I thought. Now I realize that it was more than knowing, it was exercising a side of my brain that I must not readily use now. We do not have to “think” any more. We just need to read or access a resource that contains the information we need. Some may argue, “what’s wrong with that?” My reply, “nothing, as long as you “always” have access to that “thing” that you depend on.
Let me get to the point…I believe problem solving is the single greatest attribute that a parent can teach their child (next to fearing God). My mother was a problem solver. She was a teen mom and embodied the principle of “where there is a will there is a way.” We did not always have, but we never lacked what we needed. I watched her “figure life out” sometime out of nothing. She did not have the luxury of running to the store to get what was needed for dinner. She pieced this with that and I was full and well nourished. This quality, problem solving, has been lost. I am witnessing an up and coming generation who are sometimes paralyzed when all of the pieces do not fall in place.
My parental peers appear to be too concerned with making sure that their kids have everything that they did not have (#Stuff), that they are forgetting to pass along the characteristics that got them to this point.
This evolution of parenting has created a generation of 20 somethings who are waiting at the bus stops of opportunity wondering when their ride will come, instead of doing what is necessary to prepare or create an opportunity for themselves.
This evolution of parenting has created a generation of 20 somethings who are waiting at the bus stops of opportunity wondering when their ride will come, instead of doing what is necessary to prepare or create an opportunity for themselves. To reverse this trend, parents, we have to act now by allowing our children to suffer, go without, and earn their keep. We had to work to get everything, now we give them everything and they do not have to work.
Problem solving is having the ability to identify that there is actually a problem. Some of them do not even realize that they are lost and losing!!! I know it is tempting to jump in quick when we see that our children are on a path to destruction. I agree. I will be tempted to do the same thing. That is what a parent is supposed to do. What I am asking is that you include them in the process. If you resolved it and they never understand that they were in danger, the possible consequences of their actions, the steps you took to resolve it, why you took those steps, and how to actually resolved it…how do you expect them to resolve it in the future.
Please teach your kids how to problem solve while they are young, if not, they will expect you to solve their problems when they are old.
Steps of Problem Solving
As I mentioned earlier, I believe problem solving is the single greatest attribute that a parent can teach their child. You will not always be around to guide them. However, they should be able to remember how you modeled the way. Parents are also battling a society that has evolved into a at-your-finger-tips-you-do-not-have-to-think-or-use-your-brain society. My wife witnessed kids at the community center that because of cell phones and tablets do not know how to tell time on a analog clock.
Subtle, but I think we must pay attention and adjust or our children could be walking around life lost with a map that they can’t read, because their GPS ran out of batteries and their phone died asking us…”wht time u say dat bus comin?”
Mother’s Day is a time for us to honor God’s gift to this earth. The vessel that He chose to use to bring another life into this world. In an earlier post (“What If…”), I imagined what the world would be like if men carried babies (shaking that off). We should do all that we can to appreciate the countless sacrifices that mothers make on our behalf to ensure that our needs are met. Although fathers do not carry the baby or “actually” bring life into this world, I still think that this time of year is as important for fathers.
She’s not my mom…she is the mother of my son and my wife. Everyday, but especially during this season, I see my role as modeling and teaching my son how to cherish, honor, respect, and LOVE his mother. By doing this, correctly, I plant seeds that will be nurtured and watered over time. Eventually,they will blossom into how he cherishes, honors, respects, and LOVES women, his wife, his daughter(s), and so on.
Children do not understand all of that “grown up” stuff. They do not understand what mommy did to daddy to make him so upset. All they see is his lack of love, gentleness, and respect, which plants different seeds. Later, when they begin to manifest themselves, we wonder where that attitude or behavior came from???
This is true whether your child is a boy or girl. If it is a girl, she is learning to cherish, honor, respect, and LOVE herself, because that is what daddy has modeled toward her mommy. She will learn to expect and accept whatever daddy is teaching and modeling for her (if anything at all).
In my view, Mother’s Day is about the children honoring their mother for who she is and what she has done for them. I believe that Mother’s Day has take on a new form, because too many of us (men and women) are planting the wrong seed about mothers. Instead of teaching our kids to cherish, honor, respect, and LOVE their mother’s during this season, others must fill in to ensure that the sacrifices of those mothers do not go unrecognized. Equally, we now have to recognize those who stepped up and stepped in where other mothers feel short.
She’s Not My Mom, but I so appreciate the mother, wife, and helpmate that she is to us. I will continue to do all that I can to ensure that my son acknowledges and appreciates his mother for who she is and what she does.
Happy Mother’s Day!
After a long day of work full of stress, attitudes, noise, and a long commute, you want nothing more than the peace and quiet that your home is suppose to bring. You just need time to shower, get out of those stiff clothes, kick off those hard shoes so that you can sink into your recliner and relax (aaaahhhhhhhh).
Well, not long ago, I felt that way. When I got home, I just need a minute to regroup before starting my real job of being a parent. As I sat in my recliner, I could see my son out of the corner of my eye run down the hallway. I assumed he went into his room, because he came around the corner with a few small cars. I had greeted him earlier as I came through the door, as I always do, with our traditional “Incredible Hulk Hug.” He gets a running start and jumps up into my arms and we squeeze as hard as we can. He played beside me and appeared to be content with just being close.
After a few minutes, he got up and ran back down the hallway and took a sharpe right turn at the end of the hall. A few seconds later, he emerged with new toys and plopped down right at my feet to the left of my recliner. As before, he played for a few minutes and ran back down the hall and came back with little action figures. His play intensified, but I thought nothing of it, because if you know him, you know his imagination. Alone or with 100’s of people around, when he has action figures (or a paper clip that in his mind he has now turned into Larry Boy or Spongebob). He is in another world fighting so hard to save it!!
Then it happened…he started to cry uncontrollably. He jumped up and ran away. The squeal that he let out was so piercing that I ran behind him, not know what had happen. “What’s wrong, what’s wrong!?!?!” I worried as I chased behind him. My mind was racing…did I step on his hand, did the recliner rock back on his finger…? What happen?
I picked him up and he wrapped his little arms around my neck. His mother jump up when she heard it all. She ran in to see what was going on and she ask the same question. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” His reply is something that I will never EVER forget, “Daddy will not play with me!!”
Whoa…Now tears are about to stream down my face. “I didn’t know homie! Daddy thought you were playing by yourself!!! I didn’t know!?!??!” I exclaimed!
Needless to say, we spent the next several hours playing with every toy that he has in his room! LOL I played those moments back in my head. All day, he was probably thinking about what “we” would play when I got home. When I finally got there (cause 5 mins is like a day to a 3 year old), he tried to get my attention with the first toy…no response from me. He tried a second, then a third, nothing. He likely concluded that I did not want to play with “him.”
Our kids are always watching and taking in everything that we say or do…including what we do not say and don’t do. Parenting is intentional. Our kids will learn things from us because we intentionally teach them or they learn it by watching. We may not be intentionally trying to teach them something, but if we are not intentional about what we do NOT want them to learn, guess what…they will.
We can not wait to get home so that we can unwind, but our kids do not understand (or care for that matter) how bad our day was or how tired we are. We owe them the same attention that we have given to the rest of the world all day long…undivided (most of the time). It is our obligation to figure out how to set the right expectations and parameters so that I children (and spouses) do not feel like they are always getting the short end of the stick. We make countless sacrifices to work late, go in early, travel days at a time all so that we can look good in the eyes of someone who does not matter (when you compare to those in your home). When was the last time we told our bosses or job NO for the sake of our families, creating true balance. #Sacrifice
Worklife balance is important. It is important to maintain a sense of self and to value what should be our #1 priority…Family. Balance has become increasingly more difficult with the rise of smart phones. There was a day when if you responded within 30days, it was acceptable (snail mail). With the invention of email, our expectations shifted to 24-48 hours, due to people giving you time to get back in front of your computer. Now with the invention of smart phones and wifi, you are always on (or expected to be). Some Skype, no answer, they text…no answer, inbox you…no answer, call 911 ’cause they assume something MUST have happened to you.
I have witnessed (and even been guilty of) families being out for dinner and the mother, father, and kids are all “plugged in” (cell, ipod, tablet, T.V.). “Relationships” are being forged with screens and with imaginary friends while we neglect the people who are sitting right in front of us who really “like” us.
Fathers (and mothers alike) boast about being “there” for their kids, but many of us are not present. Our kids require and deserve our undivided attention and not the scrapes of what we have left after a long day at work.
Recently on the Today Show, many corporate executives have shared their regrets of devoting decades to building a career and either never started a family or, now, do not have a relationship with their children, because they spent so much time away. Many of us brag about being there, but we are not really present (while living in the same household).
Take a lesson from me…you do not want to hear those words or anything like it (if you really care). Many of us think that we are doing “it” (working) to provide for our families, but ask yourself, at what cost? I just do not want you to wake up are realize that they are 18 years old and do not want to even look at you, because you did not take the time to foster a relationship and invest the time required to not only be there, but BE PRESENT. At that point, you will realize that all of the money you worked so hard for, you would give it all, just so they would just be “there” for you.
Couple Ideas to be More Present
1. Adopt “No Technology Days” Have your entire family “Unplug” for a day, meaning use nothing that has a battery or plugs in.
2. No TV during dinner.
What is a MENTOR anyway? We seek them. We long for them. We need them? But, do we? Of course we need them. How else would we get to where we need to go? We admire people from afar, even through the many screens (remember when TV was the only one), watching, reading, tweeting, being a cyber stalker…waiting for that one quote to be that “shot-in-the-arm” that we need to take our lives, status, position to the next level.
We try it, it works for a little while, but when we really think about it, we realize it is only half the answer. ”If I could only talk to them and ask them…what about this or what would you do if…?” We twit, we send cleverly worded post hoping to get a reply. #nothing
Now what? I guess I will just call my girl (or my homie) they know me, how I feel, what I have been through and where I am trying to go. I will ask them. Yeah, ok. Let me know how that works out.
The reality is, God gave us parents for a reason. The problem is, too many parents fail to recognize the “miracle” that He has given us charge over (someone’s life). Perhaps they realize it, but are not ready to embrace the responsibility that comes with shaping and molding the heart, mind, attitude, body, and soul of another person. Often times, we (parents) are still so consumed with becoming that we subcontract our role to others to mentor our kids.
A parent was meant to be “the original mentor”. By definition, a mentor is someone whose purpose is “to advise or train someone” A mentor can best advise and trains someone because they know them and what’s best for them.
TheOriginalMentors goal is to provide resources, guidance, and advice for parents to prepare and position us to be the mentors that God intended. My hope is that parents and parents-to-be would realize their role and responsibility and become INTENTIONAL about how they parent their child(ren) based on who God has called their children to be. This is a major task that I am hoping we all can help one another get through. To whom much is given, much is required.
Now ask yourself, what is your child’s purpose in life? What intentional steps should I be taking, to ensure that they develop into who God has intended…not what I would like them to become?
To help our kids maximize who He has purposed them to be…you must be (or at least realize) who He needed you to become. Or, instead of focusing on raising them, some spend too much time on searching that they forget or do not have time to be intentional parents.
TheOriginalMentor
theoriginalmentor 